Disclaimer: I don't really expect anyone to read this LONG entry. I was just trying to work through my thoughts...cause I took a LONG bath and had so many things running through my head that I had to write them down...and it's faster to type rather than write.
Since I love watching & quoting movies, I often find myself memorizing the funny and/or profound statements.
I feel like the quote said in the movie Juno explains what I feel about myself most of the time. She says, "I don't really know what kinda girl I am."
There is also a monologue by Kate Winslet in The Holiday...haven't gotten it all committed to memory yet or I would type it in here too but, she says something about having wasted her life on this guy and trying to move on but not being able to for a long time.
Then, there is the whole character that I see myself in through Julia Roberts on Runaway Bride. Every time I watch that movie I tell myself, "That is SO me!"
(If you haven't seen Runaway Bride: It's exactly as it sounds. She attempts to get married multiple times but ends up running away at the last minute. Then a reporter starts writing about her and ends up falling in love with her and she with him. He figures out she doesn't know what she wants out of life and and that's why she can't ever commit to any of the guys.)
Well, I don't know what kind of girl I am.
I don't know that I ever have.
Perhaps that is why none of my relationships have ever lasted very long...just a theory. In hindsight, I think I have always tried to fit the mold of what I thought the guy was looking for. Or what I thought would persuade him to think "I am the one."
In college I wasn't solely concerned about what type of person I was turning out to be because I was just trying to survive through torturous classes. Now that I've graduated and my Alaskan Adventure is almost over, all of these thoughts are flooding into my mind like a tidal wave.
It's time to figure out what I truly want and need out of life. I'm guessing that's why Heavenly Father has left me single for SO long.
*What kind of person do I want to be?
*Where do I want to live?
*What should my career be? (Just b/c I'm a certified teacher doesn't mean I have to be one)
*How much chocolate do I want to eat a day? Haha
Are these valid questions?
Am I making any sense?
I'm imagining someone narrating my thoughts outloud like it does for Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City..."I couldn't help but wonder..."
All these thoughts are surfacing because in a couple weeks I have to reenter the real world as a college graduate in search of a job and a place in the world. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.
(Dang it...now I said the word "decisions" too many times and it looks and sounds funny).
2 comments:
Camille, you will figure it out. You're smart like that.
Camille,
I am sooo proud of you. I think that's a big step to look from the outside and analyze your life a bit. I think it's wonderful that you want to find out who YOU are. You need to figure that out and once you do that than you can be happy knowing who you are. Hopefully once you do that you will be able to find happiness with someone else. :) Anyway, I love you and you are a good girl!!
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